Life has me quiet on social media these days. I completed my first trimester with my rainbow but I’m still waiting on that second trimester energy every other mama tells me about. When I finally have some free time, all I want to do is rest.
Today is October 1st, the start of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. So even though I’m exhausted from supporting and cooking for my hubby and his buddies at the racetrack all weekend AND emptying and cleaning our rented RV, I’m going to put off rest to share with you a confession.
My rainbow is an IVF baby. He was genetically tested as a day five embryo and passed. He’s meeting every gestational milestone. My NIPT blood screening also came back normal for him. I have a baby bump and all my friends are excited for me. I’m excited too, but it is SO HARD to stay positive sometimes and I have so many fears swimming around in my mama brain. So here’s my confession...
Every morning when I get out of bed, I turn around to check for blood on the sheets. It’s an awful practice—morbid—but I have such a fear that one morning, I’m going to wake up with sheets covered in blood and my rainbow gone. I could blame Hollywood for this imagery of bloody sheets, but I’d just have some other fear nagging me. The only thing I can really blame here is miscarriage. My miscarriage of JB.
It’s estimated 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in loss. Chemical pregnancy. Miscarriage. Stillbirth. Medical termination. A confirmed statistic is hard to nail down because so many pregnancies end before the mama even knows she’s pregnant. It’s heartbreaking. There isn’t much we can do about the statistic, but we can make it easier on other mamas going through this trauma. We can be open and share, because when we do, we can connect with these hurting mamas and let them know they are not alone.
Their grief is real.
Their baby existed and matters.
Thankful for this view each day
My Rainbow 🌈